rage as a form of self love

I used to consider myself as someone who didn’t have any anger. I had a judgement about anger that it indicated a loss of control and lack of ability to articulate feelings. Growing up in a volatile home, with instability and outbursts of violent rage, often physical. I learned that anger was harmful and unsafe. That it needed to be controlled, managed and restrained at all costs.

I became adept at denying, repressing and disassociating from my anger. Shaming myself for angry thoughts and feelings if they ever arose. I denied my truth, stopped myself speaking up, and felt ashamed of feeling anything that might be deemed ans ‘unloving’ thought. Which made a liar of me, my life force and creativity buried under the weight of repressed anger and the shame was limiting me from taking any risks and birthing any new ideas into the world. I’d compare myself to others, feel insufficient or be resentful of those who were managing to gain success in ways I desired. I would feel even more shame and the self hatred cycle continued. It was a trap.

alchemy & sensuality

I was never taught that anger is a part of the human experience, a healthy protective force. That its an indicator of a need unmet or a boundary overstepped. I wasn’t showed that anger has the ability to alchemise these into action for change. I recall the first time I consciously felt my anger, like an electrical current through my body. A delicious, magnetic force, I looked down and saw my hand in a fist, felt my clenched jaw and realised my body has its own way of letting me know what I’m feeling.

Learning to allow the body to lead me and gifting her the space to process anger in a sacred way has been life changing. It’s feels as loving as any self care routine, like giving myself a hug or taking a hot bath. The practice of setting out a space with the sole intention of moving into and through my rage is the most empowered act of self love. It helps me find my voice, understand and communicate my yes and my no. There are moments within the practice when I am intoxicated by the depth of my ability to feel and be in my sensuality.

and finally

I am reminded that when I allow all parts of myself to be expressed, when I feel the pain, rage and sorrow, when I embrace my shadows. I create more capacity for joy, I am creation itself, and it starts with gifting myself the opportunity to respond from rather than react to my anger, I am blessed with the choice of experiencing life from within the depth of my love ❤️